Toast 2 Mom

Get That Over With

Well our first day of summer ended up with a trip to the urgent care last night. After a lovely day of going to the park, swimming and a play-date with friends, it ended in my sweet Cheekers getting clocked quite hard in the mouth resulting in a very deep cut on her tongue. For lack of gruesomeess, we had a messy drive to the doctor. And her tears lasted longer than any Mommy wants to hear. 

Convinced that stitches were going to be the answer, the doctor ended up just recommending it heal on its own. The tongue is a tricky thing to mend. Unless it had cut all the way through or had something missing, it was best to let it heal on its own. But the doctor was tempted, because it was a very deep cut. 

So we got through last night on ice-cube filled wash clothes and Tylenol. Sleep was restless and a lot of whimper sounds while sleeping. I do selfishly admit I like taking care of my baby.....but I don't like to see her hurting. And we're all a bit tired today from the restless night.

This morning her appetite is still none. I even offered her ice cream, and she said no. :( It's going to be a lazy day, I think. Maybe that's our sign to recognize it's summer - and it's time to slow down a bit anyway. Our day yesterday was quite action packed. 

My hope is that we got our injuries over with for the summer. If this is all we have to deal with, I will be fine with that. 

Today Was Better

I have been riding a very fast moving train for about three months. And yesterday I had to finally blow off some steam.

Building a business, preparing for our home to be on display for an open house, running a household, raising two girls and all that involves and being a decent wife (and about to celebrate 10 years) has been building and building and building on my sensitivity. And all of a sudden, but not out of no where, the waterworks showed up yesterday - and I just had to let it out. 

Though I'm trying to start this cookie business to show my daughters another side of me - I feel like I've been failing as a mother. Every day they say, "mommy, you're so busy." Though I've been working my tail off researching right and left and trying to line up all the steps to this business, there are several pieces still missing and I think, how will I get this all figured out? 

And something I failed to mention in my blog recently - in the last couple weeks I broke my toe and I bumped Vanna into another car in a parking lot and dented in my bumper. Typically I share all these goofy moments that happen with me day to day. But my head has been so heavily weighted down - and I simply just didn't have time. 

Today was better though. My mind just needed some space. When I get stressed, I feel really insecure and paranoid. It's a horrible feeling and very unproductive. But eventually I start to see the light.... And the light was some much needed quality time with my girls today. I got lots of business stuff accomplished today - but even better I got some extra carved out one-on-one time with my girls - where I really listened to them, not multitask listening. I worked with them, not helped them while I was doing something else. And best of all I did lots of things WITH them not just FOR them. 

And I feel like maybe I'm going to get some decent sleep tonight....

What's Goin' On?

I always feel badly when I don't get around to blogging. I really just don't have a lot to share, or that I'm willing to share right now. Some things are just meant for me. And when the days are our typical things - errands, lessons, school, making meals, yada.... That just doesn't sound all that interesting to read/write about.  Then I feel badly because I'm sure I miss several things about the girls that are defnitely note-worthy. And this space is primarily for them. 

I guess the latest excitement in our household - aka, drama to a six and four year old - has been the negotiation of sharing new toys. Cheekers got a mermaid barbie for Easter. Sydney has been trying to play with it ever since. Cheekers is claiming it's "her special". So no luck there when it comes to sharing. 

At Sydney's school, her class earned a privilege by filling their marble jar. They voted to bring something from home on Friday to class. Sydney wanted to bring her sister's mermaid. "No way," said little sis. 

So yesterday during Cheekers' dance class, I told Sydney that we could walk down to the dollar store and she could buy something with her money from her piggy bank. Sydney has been earning stars on her home chore chart. She also hasn't bought anything with her own money in a long time. I thought since she did a good job at school, and has been doing a great job of helping at home, she could go pick out something with five dollars of her own money.  

After much (much) looking around, row after row in the dollar store, Syd picked out a pink pony that came with a crown and a comb. Yeah, that sounds exactly like what she would pick!  After the grand purchase was made, we then wandered back to the dance studio to pick up Cheeks. And that's when the whining began.....

Ever since then, all I've been doing is battling fighting and whining. That's also when it was determined that "mermaids are boring" and "sharing is a good thing" and "Mommy should buy another pony so the new one has a friend."

Well this Mommy is not spending one dime on another pony for this house. But can I eliminate some whinig for a period of time? While big sister is away at school all day, things happen.....

Little Miss Growing Up

I haven't had many updates lately on my Miss Sydney. This girl warms my heart and breaks my heart in about a matter of seconds. And I think I'm starting to enter a whole and completely different chapter of motherhood very quickly - if I'm not in it already. 

I could not be more proud than to be Sydney's mother. She's amazing and dynamic in a million ways!! And I knew from a very early age, that this girl would assert herself into the world with greatness. 

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of lessons on learning to let go. I hope I have hundreds of these lessons because when I got my first lesson, it hurt so badly. I'm not saying I want to be hurt badly over and over again - though I'm sure I will. What I'm saying is that hopefully come the day I actually do have to "let go," I'll be really prepared....but I even doubt that.

Truth be told, my girl is growing and learning every day and needing what I'm used to giving less and less. I'm now trying to figure out what she needs from me now. Luckily I have a daughter who is an old sole and more times than even I can process it, she is able to articulate to me what she wants or doesn't want. 

The things I'm backing away from as of late are helping Sydney get dressed in the morning and giving her space after school. After days (months) of battles and arguments over the morning routine and the after school routine, I finally discovered I needed to dig a little deeper into what was going on with us. 

Sydney is complex, which is going to definitely keep me on my toes during this "what can I do, what can't I do" phase of parenting. She is independent and also needs a lot of loving support. So trying to figure out when to be there and help or ask questions versus when to step away and let her roll with it is a challenge. 

I still cannot even believe that I'm dealing with this - and my child is only in Kindergarten. Things really do change faster and faster with generations - AHHH! 

Parenting is more layered and fascinating and mind boggling than I EVER realized. It's definitely a job, a career, a once in a lifetime opportunity. The lessons and reflections and decisions that we make on a weekly basis are worth more value than any other experience I can think of. 

Kids are awesome  - and they know right where to get ya, the good sides and the bad sides. I hope I'm buckled in for the ride. Many more stories and chapters to follow....

Would You Pay For These?

When does a person know when to take a leap of faith? I guess in this case, it's not a leap of faith for me - rather just getting the guts to do "it". 

My husband is right - I seem to have something stuck in my head that unless I'll become an over-night success with something, then why bother doing it. Although he's kind of wrong too - becuase I'm also the queen of trying new things. I start and try a lot, but, yeah, I don't dig very deep to really give them a shot at success. 

He and I joke that I should write a book about all the things you should sort of, kind of, maybe, I guess, try to start up and achieve when you beome a mom. Things like... sew - make one dress for each child and call it a wardrobe, knit - make a row with yarn, then throw the needles across the room because knitting sucks, half-way write a half dozen children's books - maybe some kids will only want to read half a book anyway. 

I, like a lot of moms, love my role as mom more than any other role. But it doesn't pay the bills. And as time goes by, I am facing a period of time when I'll need to find "something" to do, along with my mom roles, to add to the savings account. 

It's my biggest hobby - coming up with ideas to be with my girls the most and be in a non-stimulating, life-sucking cubicle the least. But my challenge is....as always....me.

I like to do lots of things. I like to come up with a lot of ideas for things. Some things I can do well.... but "well enough" are always the last two words out of my mouth. "Yeah, but a lot of people are writing books." "Yeah, but a lot of people take pictures of their kids." "Yeah but a lot of people make better food than I do." 

So my latest "well enough" question is do I make cookies "well enough, good enough"? A lot of people have told me I make good cookies. Many are those comments have come from family members - which do not count. There are others, though - non-family members, who have sung my cookie praises. 

And here's the part where the "but" enters my mind.... I only currently offer one good cookie - can I make more as well? How do I sell them - door to door? From a truck? Online? They only taste fresh for one, maybe two days....do they get dry too fast? Have I really mastered my recipe yet - are they always consistant? Would anyone really pay for these?

I'm just not sure. When will I find that "thing" that my gut says, "do it" vs "buttttt"?

Today's deep thoughts have been sponsored for you today by Melissa's Magical Cookies :)

Baby Blur

My baby is sick and it's like I just realized how fast children really grow. 

We say it all the time as parents - make every moment last, it goes by so fast. I know this. I live this and think this all the time. But until certain examples are set in front of us, it's really hard to realize.

I am a part of a mom's book club right now. It's a lot about finding balance, finding "me" time and being ok asking for help, etc. I feel a bit out of place in this group because I have the oldest children in the group. Several have very young babies. And even during these conversations about the beginning stages with a baby - I've simply forgotten most of the hazy days. My days are way different than their days.

My girls are so grown up now. Sure, they need me - a bit. I'm still their food slave and lullaby provider. But a lot of my caring and nurturing days are long behind me. That is until they become sick...

My Cheekers has had a cold pretty much all week. And she has really felt and acted rotten. With this, I didn't realize how many things were behind me now that my girls are more independent versus the steps that are needed to keep a baby healthy and happy. So having a sick child this week - it's definitely been refresher course.  

My days have been filled with extra snuggles and more carrying around the house and dressing assistance and wiping this and that and cutting food and giving medicine and a lot of extra clean up....oh and dealing with a lot of whining!

Yep, just like when they were babies, there are beautiful moments mixed in with pure and total frustration. I love, love, love to baby my kids. I miss those itty-bitty days more than anything. But this week I realized how I don't miss the crying and whining and trying to figure out how to make it better right away.

So it's been an interesting learning week for me, I guess. As much as I have been sad here and there that my girls aren't as needy as they used to be, I really don't have to solve their tear problems as much as I used to either. They fight with each other. We argue over what is acceptable to wear. I urge them to brush their teeth faster. I bribe them to finish their dinner. I reward them for manners. I do a lot of different things now. But when my baby is just fussing and whining in my arms because they don't feel well and that's only the thing to do..... well I feel awful about that.....but I sure don't miss it.

Meanwhile - my baby is napping now. And we're crossing our fingers she is in party spirit for her birthday party tomorrow. Because this girl has too much spunk to cry at her own party. 

Winter Break - yay!

I guess I didn't realize how much we have acclimated to the school routine - day after day, week after week. With Sydney in Kindergarten and Natalie at preschool two days a week - that has left very little time for my girls to hang with. But for the next two weeks, they're all mine!!! I couldn't be more excited for these break days. 

While today wasn't filled with amazing creativity, each moment was savored as a precious one. We did our typical stuff - wake up, eat breakfast, run some errands, hit the gym, went to lunch, did some reading, hung out at home, did some house chores - and here we are at dinner time. But there was just a easy feeling about the day. Or maybe it was a happy feeling. Nothing was rushed. There were no school lines to wait in. There was no lunch to pack or sweater not to forget or backpack to unpack. It was just a sweet, relaxed, go with the flow day - with both of my cuties. 

I have a feeling this break is going to go by as fast as the days when I had school breaks!