I wish I knew what it was that some mornings leads me to feel full of motivation and able to get myself together, organize my to do list and knock down most of my daily goals. Then what it is other days where I just chase my tail, staring clueless into space and defeated by the fact that I do the same tasks every...single...day.
When I worked full time outside of the home, I spun out the same schedule pretty much every day - weekday and weekend. I was constantly frustrated by the fact that I never seemed to get my house adequately organized or clean. I was even more frustrated by the fact that my time with my girls was very limited and usually at a fast, go-go, rush-rush, errands, bath, get to bed pace.
When I found out that I would have the opportunity to stay home full time with my girls, my list of to-dos and expectations shot through the roof. I envisioned my house to be sparkling. I envisioned The Organized Home magazine contacting me to be the cover. I envisioned starting a Baking with your Daughters cookbook. I envisioned having all this spare time to write, read, photograph, decorate and especially time to produce a daily school-like setting for my girls to help them learn something new every day.
We have lived in our new house for eight months. Truly if I were to sit down with a pen and paper and list all of the things we've accomplished in eight months, I probably wouldn't feel as icky as I do today. I go through these phases, though. Doesn't everybody? I get a vision, I get a drive, I see results, I feel good. Then what happens? What makes us turn the corner to feeling like I'd feel good if I simply got edible food on the table today.
This morning, I woke up, bathed my girls, got them dressed. I got myself dressed. Then I spent fifteen minutes picking up the "trail of entertainment" that my girls spread all over our second floor in the morning while we're getting dressed. If there were a career in "picking stuff up," I am truly a professional picker-upper. This may seriously be the only skill I am consistently fast and good at. This morning I picked up bead necklaces, plastic bath pigs, Cheerios (like every day), Chapstick (the cap was in the bathroom, the tube was under the bed), binkies, books, stuffed animals and make up brushes and more I am sure I am forgetting and put them all back into their respective places.
Then it was breakfast time. I get the stuff out - quick stuff (today frozen blueberry waffles and bananas). I sit the girls down to eat. I eat my Clif bar and Diet Coke, check my email....then time to clean up. I spend my first of five episodes for the day cleaning the highchair my baby sits in and the kid table my big girl sits at. Then I get on my knees and clean the crumbs off the floor. I'll do this again at snack, at lunch, at dinner and some days at a bedtime snack. I want my next license plate to read I Hate Crumbs!
My big goal this morning was to get to the post office. In order to get there I needed to address seven envelopes. This took me a half an hour in between getting down puzzles from the shelf in the playroom, breaking up fights over Tinkerbell and keeping my baby from crawling up on the couch. By nearly lunch time, we made it to the post office. That was fairly uneventful, thank goodness. I had one more stop to pick up some papers at the doctor's office for my big girl who is entering pre-school next week!
We get home from our errands - lunch, eat, more crumbs, potty time, read some books....and at last it's nap time. Ahhhh.
I have this love/hate relationship with nap time. I usually get about one hour to myself to do as I choose. This is where my trouble and overwhelming thoughts surface. Picking stuff up, I said before, this is a breeze to me. Dishes, no problem. Laundry, piece a cake. Clean the litter, check. I get these things done, and then I become haunted by the remaining list I have of things I need to do and/or want to do...and looking at the clock, I have about twenty minutes left to get them all done.
Today I am writing...quite a bit of writing, now that I scroll up the page. I love this blog...a lot, but sometimes it can feel like a task. What I hate even worse is when I feel mad at myself for not writing anything for the day. I think I need to get over that...or maybe not?
As I look around the room right now, I see several things that I walk by dozens of times a day and should do but just ignore instead. For example, my computer screen has needed to be wiped down for about a week now - I haven't done it. The windows looking out to our back yard have two little hand-prints on them, nope, no time to wipe those off. There is a red marker stain on the carpet that I need to take of....it'll be there tomorrow. And let's not even go there on how dry my feet are or how desperately I need to pluck my eyebrows.
And this silly list is just the tip of the iceberg. When I open my garage door and I see boxes to organize or items to Craigslist...ugh, my ulcer. Or when I walk upstairs and see the hallway that needs to be finished painting (that's been half painted for about a month now)...Calgon, take me away. Time, time, time, where can I buy some more of it?
But is time the problem? Clearly today is a day that I am dwelling on the things I have not been able to achieve lately. I battle myself on this issue quite a bit. I ask myself, in twenty years, will I look back and wish I'd had a more organized house or played with my daughters more? OK, yes, I know the answer to this. And with all of my whining aside, I am very, very, very grateful that I now have more time to spend with my girls. I do honestly feel like I spend good time playing with them, reading to them, trying to teach them.
But...there is always that looming guilt! It doesn't matter if you're working at a job outside the home or you're with your kids all day, the guilt always lingers because there is always "stuff" that needs to get done and personal self-sculpting goals you want to achieve....and, man, there just never feels like enough time to do it all.
And with that...my time is now up.