You know when you get a new job and you have all of these ideas and you have all of this motivation and energy and creativity. You go to work feeling excited and you just know you're going to impress at least a few people that day. And this new job feeling lasts for several months. You wake up, you do a great job, you go home, you sleep good. You come up with new ideas and you start the day fresh again.
Then over time the enthusiasm begins to fade. Your creative days become few and far between. The people you used to impress seem less impressed, if at all. The days turn from energetic to same old. Well the job of motherhood is no different.
I began my trek down the path of stay at home mom just over a year ago. I started off with great ideas, plans of making sure my children live the best, most fulfilling, healthy life every single day! Then a couple months ago, I started to feel down.
I struggled with this down feeling for quite a while. I would think, man, I am doing the job of my dreams, spending my days with exactly the people I want to be spending my days with. What could I possible be down about?
But motherhood is like any other job...and then like no other job at all. Life is filled with highs and lows and peaks and valleys. It was only natural for me to come down off my high from this new path I began. For not only when I started this job, I also started a new life in a new town. I was filled with energy setting up a home, exploring new territory, and establishing a new job description.
Though motherhood parallels an office job - the schedule, the busy, the routine, it differs in the emotional balance...and this I didn't know about. My day begins at 7:15 in the morning when I go get the first morning snacks of the day and ends when I tuck the last one in bed, then wrap up my household chores by 9:30 or 10:00.
Routine I like. Busy-ness I like. But as a stay at home mom, you are the boss, you set the rules. No one is guiding you; and the little people look up to you all day long...and at times that pressure can feel huge. Not only are you trying to cram in all of the stuff that needs to get done day to day, but also roll with the punches the little people bring as they are evolving and going down this path of life and experiences for the first time.
This probably all sounds like a bunch of jabbering, whining goo. But my point is, somewhere along the way, it became hard to stay focused on the goal. I am overwhelmed and completely perplexed how I can have all of this time and feel like I have no time at all. I began with all of these certain goals and expectations. I had visions for my girls and I had visions for myself and for the future. And as life would have it, sometimes you have to step back, review and reevaluate. So that's what I've been doing.
I don't feel down today. I feel good today. When I worked outside of the home, I always enjoyed review time. I'm a proud peacock and like to know what I've done good and how I can do better next year. And so here we are, closing the year's chapter and planning for the next.
I still love my job and love being a mother. This may sound silly, but I probably feel more like a mother now having experienced the let downs and the balance struggle and the emotional demand and the identification that day to day it's me plus them...not just me. The feedback may be little and the paycheck nonexistent, but the reward for learning along the way...priceless.